Translation: The Americans did Phantom of the Opera in Sexy Pirate Wench costumes. One of them stood on the other one’s back.

When I heard the music from Phantom, I expected more from America, the home of musical theatre. I was a bit confused by the costumes, but I was confident that they were going to go somewhere with it. I was disappointed. horribly, horribly disappointed.

Take all of the cheesiest, most cliché aspects of Glee. Add a pair of sheltered Midwestern teenagers wearing costumes that look like they came from the mall. That was the American Freeskate. I also imagine that there was a Sue Sylvester-esque character somewhere backstage who was thinking, “They should have gone bigger on that last musical transition.”

Davis and White at the 2010 US Nationals.

After that routine, and the excessive praise that followed, I was starting to buy into the whole “ice dance is just a pussy version of real figure skating” thing. I felt like I was watching a hyper-realistic Will Ferrell movie. And then the Italians came on.

Federica Faiella and Massimo Scali were like dancers, but on ice. Their piece was like a So You Think You Can Dance contemporary routine – on ice. It had a narrative line, these sort of abstract characters, authentically kitschy costumes, and a uniquely fluid quality of movement that was really pleasing to watch. There weren’t a ton of cool tricks, and maybe the technique wasn’t perfect (I’m no expert on bladework, but it looked pretty clean to me), but as an actual piece of art, it was the best Freeskate in the televised competition.

The Olympic routine isn’t up yet, but here’s the same routine at the 2010 Campionati Italiani Assoluti.

All of that being said, neither team took the gold. Canadians Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, who looked extremely Canadian, skated to 5th symphony by Gustav Mahler. It was a very nice, very safe piece. It was far less obnoxious than Davis and White’s routine, with apparently excellent technique and something like a sense of actual artistry.